The Day Before Our Last Day

I contemplated just how my 1 year mark would be…what I should expect…and how I think things will be for me. I think my thinking has driven me crazy, and I think that I always expect things to be worse than they are, considering Dre passed away just days after celebrating both his and our son’s birthdays. But then again my mother always said: “Thinking comes from not knowing”, and in this case she definitely was right. I thought I knew and it turned out to be the total opposite for me.

I didn’t expect the unexpected and for that I was knocked down off of my pedestal. I didn’t take into account the day before the “Last Day” of our lives. It hit me harder than a ton of metaphorical bricks. I had heard everyone’s stories of how hard the 1st angelversary can be and how hard the 2nd year is in comparison to the 1st year, but no one ever mentioned how hard the day before the last day really is. 

I first felt it around 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning and of course it didn’t help with the insomnia I was already dealing with due to taking a late nap. I managed to somehow push the thought to the back of my mind and fell asleep. When I awoke the thought was there but it wasn’t at the front of my mind just yet.

Later, as I was sitting at my volunteer location, I received a text message wanting to know if I was ok, and because I am honest, I responded with “No, I’m not…not really”. This was an obvious cry for help that in my whirlwind of emotions I wasn’t actually trying to make, and the person called me. I explained that today I just realized that it was the last day we spent together, the last day seeing Dre alive, hearing his voice, and feeling his touch. I have the best set of understanding, supportive and amazing friends. My friend didn’t say the typical oh I am so sorry sweetie, or hugs and prayers to you sweetheart. He simply said tell me what happened today last year. I sat there and as I went through the day it came to me that it was a great day. Our last day together was a good day. We didn’t argue, fuss, or fight. We laughed and enjoyed one another’s company as well as the company of others. My friend then says to me, enjoy your day and the great memories it will bring your way. 

Although it brings joy to my day talking about Dre and sharing our memories…that moment shared with my friend was overshadowed by a song that played on the radio as we got off the phone; Aaron Hall’s I miss you. According to the video the wife goes into premature labor and passes away, leaving behind her child and her husband. All I could think of was Dre going into premature death and leaving behind his children, his family, his wife, and how much I am missing him. It’s a bittersweet song for me now, but I love the lyrics and somehow I was able to find a little comfort in knowing that it came on as I was missing him and, to me it was his little way of telling me that he misses me too. 

The day before the last day of our lives was a great day and each year on that day, it will also continue to be a great day. There is no reason as to why I shouldn’t celebrate the last day of lives as if it were the greatest day of our lives…and the tomorrows that follow it shall be celebrated because he didn’t die, nope not dead at all; he simply passed away. I shall celebrate the day that he passed into Heaven for that is a great reason to celebrate, and I know that he is celebrating the day that way with me too.