Healing After a Suicide Loss

Editor's Note:  This excerpt is from pages 29 - 31 of From Grief to Growth: Healing After a Suicide Loss

This includes addressing mental well-being, dealing with trauma, and coping with suicide specific issues (such as complex emotions, the question of “Why?”, talking to children about suicide, and navigating family dynamics). As heartrending, stressful, and isolating as your grief may be, please know:

• You are not alone.
• You can survive this.
• Your feelings are valid and OK (as long as it is not harmful to yourself or others).
• TAPS is here to walk beside you.

For an inside look at some of the topics covered in the guidebook, we offer you the following excerpts to consider:

Family Dynamics

Challenges or discord within a family are not unusual after a death by suicide. Military culture and lifestyle may complicate this because of the limited time that extended family members have spent together. They may not have had time to build relationships, establish trust, or develop ways of communicating and solving problems. As the family struggles to understand how the suicide could have happened, it is easy to blame one another or unintentionally hurt each other’s feelings. Intense feelings or misunderstandings about why suicide occurs can hamper effective discussions and problem solving. It is important for families to stay connected and find ways to communicate effectively with each other.

Here are some observations about the nature of grief that might help you and your family work together in the aftermath of suicide:

• Grief will likely unfold differently for each person. 

  Even though family members care deeply about one another, individuals commonly deal with emotional pain in ways that are all their own. One person may want to return to work within a day or two after the funeral, while another believes doing so is disrespectful to the deceased. One person may be greatly comforted by their faith, religious background, belief in God, and an afterlife, while another may question their faith because of the stigma associated with suicide.

• Profound grief can be expressed outwardly or inwardly. 

  One person may experience grief just as deeply as another, even if one of them shows their feelings while the other is silent. One person may repeatedly look through photos and reminisce, while another is anxious about doing so or even resists sharing memories of the deceased. One person may feel that attending a support group is very helpful, while another doesn’t see how a support group could be helpful and prefers not to attend.

• Everyone in the family is often hurting at the same time and may also be emotionally vulnerable. 

  One person may need physical affection and closeness, but the other cannot readily provide it. One person may want to talk about his or her daily struggles with grief, but the other may be unable to tolerate conversations about the pain of loss. It is important to remember that every grief journey is different. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Encourage family members to share how they are feeling and ask directly for what they need.

• It is common for family members to be angry or to blame others following a suicide. 

  Suicide is complicated, and many factors contribute to the event. Very often, especially in military families, extended family members may not know each other well because they live in separate states. Each member has his or her own perspective on what happened to their loved one. This can lead to misunderstandings and directing blame at one another. If family discord is a challenge for you, it might be helpful to bring in a third party, such as a faith leader, counselor, family therapist or TAPS staff to help you talk to one another. Open communication early on can avoid additional relationship losses. (TAPS staff can help you connect with a counselor or locate a professional to help with communication in your family.)

Dr. Carla Stumpf Patton, Senior Director, TAPS Suicide Prevention and Postvention and Surviving Spouse of U.S. Marine Corps Drill Instructor Sgt. Rich Stump