Winter Beginnings

Out of all four seasons, winter is an obvious metaphor for grief — the dark, the cold, the quiet, and the ending it represents. But, what is often overlooked in this metaphor is that winter is just as much a beginning as it is an ending. The same winter that makes itself at home in December, accompanies us nearly three full months into the new year. Though it’s easy to assume otherwise because we cannot always see it with our own eyes, life endures through the winter. It may demand a heartiness that other seasons don’t, but all winter long — all around us and within us — life is quietly preparing to bloom when spring arrives. 

When the winter of 2012 officially arrived, the Nelson family was eight months into their own winter of grief. Michele Nelson’s husband and Abigail, Katelyn, and Kyler’s dad, U.S. Air Force SMSgt Jeremy Nelson, passed away on April 25 of that year, forever changing the course of the family’s future in ways that were both impossible to ignore in the early days of grief and impossible to predict. 

The latter part of 2012 was a familiar winter haze at the Nelson house — one anyone familiar with grief would recognize. There were matters to attend to — life, school, and society all encouraging a return to normal while their hearts and minds wrestled with the hows and whys of a completely new normal. They learned to navigate survivor benefits and the network of support around them from friends, family, TAPS, and TAPS’ partner organizations. By that same winter, the Nelson family found themselves at Snowball Express, the annual winter experience for surviving families hosted by TAPS Honorary Board Member Gary Sinise and his foundation by the same name. This magical winter setting is where Kyler and Mikayla’s story begins.

The Comfort of Peer Support in the Cold of Winter

Surviving children not only have to manage very grown-up emotions after losing someone close to them, but they have to do it while also juggling all the stress, awkwardness, and confusion of growing up. And, it’s easy to see how it might be difficult to relate to peers when their family looks different and their biggest problem is being grounded all weekend. This is what makes TAPS Good Grief Camps, Family Camps — the TAPS Family in general, and special survivor experiences, like Snowball Express, fundamental to growing up with grief. In these settings, surviving children begin to feel like they aren’t alone — they fit, they belong, and there are kids just like them viewing life through a bittersweet lens that makes it impossible to ignore the preciousness of life and the special people in it. Their grief is acknowledged and validated, allowing the healing to begin, and they find trust in the peers around them in these safe spaces who become their allies in grief. 

At that first 2012 Snowball Express, Kyler Nelson — then a young teen boy suddenly without his father — clicked with a group of peers that quickly became a big part of his life. These friends kept in touch throughout the year and reconnected each December when they all reunited at Snowball Express. They flourished together — truly grew up together — and always looked forward to the time spent together. One of the friends in this group was a girl named Mikayla from Long Island, New York. Mikayla, like Kyler, had lost her dad, HM2 Jeffrey Wiener. He was killed in action in 2005 in Iraq. 

Fast forward to Snowball Express of Kyler’s junior year of high school — several years into the friendship. Michele started to notice Kyler and Mikayla sitting a little closer together than they had the year before. She wondered if there was a spark there. Sure enough, there was. The two started dating long-distance, growing closer despite the miles between where Mikayla was in New York and Kyler’s home in Kentucky. They even traveled to be each other’s dates to senior prom. 

After high school graduation, Mikayla moved to Kentucky to attend the University of Kentucky with Kyler. Four years later, with undergraduate degrees in hand, they were engaged. They married the following October in a beautiful ceremony that honored both of their fallen fathers — the men who, despite not being there that day, were a huge part of bringing Kyler and Mikayla together and giving them a partner to journey with through grief and life. From two tragic endings impacting two different families at different times and places, one new beautiful beginning began to grow the winter Kyler and Mikayla met. 

The Warmth of Spring

Today, Kyler is working on his Ph.D. in pharmaceutical sciences at the University of Kentucky Pharmacy School, and Mikayla works as a special education teacher. In the fall of this year, they welcomed a baby girl — a bright light in their lives and the lives of their family members. 

Kyler and Mikayla’s bond is an incredibly powerful representation of the healing that can be found in peer support. Since they first met in the winter of 2012, they’ve supported each other, helped each other grow, and been each other’s refuge. Though it was loss that caused their paths to cross, it is healing that seeded the ground where something beautiful has only just begun to grow.

Michele Nelson is the surviving spouse of SMSgt Jeremy Nelson, U.S. Air Force.

Kristi Stolzenberg is TAPS Magazine and Special Projects Editor.

Photos: Michele Nelson, Pexels.com